Busha Full Of Grace

That Girl!

 

Warms My Heart

It just warms my heart, these messages I get elsewhere on this crazy Internet asking me to please blog again. Well, here I am. Again. And I can tell you I'm forever blogging in my head. Yeah, not exactly right, I know. :)

So what's been going on with me? Well, on paper and in medical records I have Stage 4 breast cancer metastasized to my bones, lungs, liver, brain. Yep, even my brain. But we found those 4, very very small lesions early and they were eradicated with Gamma Knife surgery.  Last week my oncologist took me off of my my most recent chemotherapy because it wasn't effective. To date I have not responded to 9 different chemotherapies. So now we are sending a sample from my liver biopsy off to Foundation Medicine for genomic testing to define my particular and unique cancer and hopefully match it to its rightful medicine.

In the meantime I am receiving all of my IV treatments at the alternative/integrative clinic, taking a plethora of supplements, and considering cannabis. I did travel to the Greenbridge Clinic in Santa Monica and had an in depth consultation with Dr. Frankyl about his medicinal cannabis program. I'm deciding on that one. I just cannot get by the dread of being stoned. And stoned I will have to be because it is the THC, the psychoactive part that gets rid of cancer. We'll see.

But as I said, that's on paper. In real life, everyday life, I am feeling great. I got extremely exhausted while on the chemo. And severely edematous. The bulky fluid accumulation made it difficult for me to walk.  But these were side effects of the chemotherapy. And now that I am off of it these issues are subsiding. As far as the cancer goes, I am not experiencing any symptoms other than occasional aching where my ribs broke from tumor growth two years ago. And somehow I still have my hair! I pay attention to my energy level and rest when I need to.  My life is full and good. I remain very busy with my big ol family, 5 kids and 8 grandkids.

It's been so long since I've written that I cannot even begin to share all we have done together, but trust me. Just trust me OK??? :):):):) We are always together on outings and for family meals. The grandkids come by to see me all the time, and with 8 of them I have plenty of music, theater, and sporting events to attend. I truly can't make them all! 

Facebook Flip

Last week I hit a wall with my Facebook page. Throughout this extreme two partisan duality born with the Trump administration, I have tried with all my might to remain respectful of those whose views differed from mine. I listened. I spoke thoughtful exchange. I really tried to come from not just my heart, but the heart of the Universe. But it was getting more and more difficult. Mainly because very few were taking the time to listen. And then one post (which I will not share here out of my continued respect for the other) was so disgusting and brutal and distasteful put me over the edge. So I deactivated that page and all that went with it. I hit the wall. I crumbled and lost all faith in humanity....for a good 24 hours.

But I soon returned to the world and my love for it. I guess I just needed to take a breath. There is so much goodness with which I choose to surround myself. So many beautiful people who have the intention of safety and comfort for ALL. I was mocked for leaving my Facebook page by someone close to me. But I'm letting that go too. That is their way, not mine.

These are trying times. Fractured relationships. Broken dreams. 

Just want to tell the world here, in my little Blogland, that I am trying. And I am open. But I will not denounce any human being who is asking for love. Ever. I offer the shirt off my back with blind eyes to difference. And my inner self is finding peace in my intentions.

 

The road is long but with love there is light....

 

 

 

 

Rag Doll

While this post may sound sad to others, it is a redemption song to me. It's how I am learning to grip all of this. I've been thinking a lot about how one dies. Of course, right? It's only natural when you have such a condition as I. What I'm noticing is that the Universe does it in bits and pieces as to be kind to you. To give you the opportunity to get a grip on the ending we all will face one day. To let go gradually. 'Put things in order' as they say. I'm not by any means saying I'm giving up soon, I have my vision set on marching forth and I am looking at my cancer as a chronic illness that is a message from my soul. So as I get my inner conflicts settled I trust my body to heal if this is my destiny. I know there will be some who think I'm nuts, but that's OK too. This one is a personal relationship between me and me.

So with that preface...A sweet little rag doll I have become. Something to hold dear and treasure for all it has been through. I like that. There are places where little pieces of me are removed and stitched back up. Sometimes holes are left and I just fill those holes with all the love I can muster for that part that used to live there.

Most days I dress my little rag doll in comfortable clothes. But then at night, when I undress her and look into the mirror, that's comfortable too. And I say "I love you" and tuck her into bed with me as stars twinkle outside my window through the trees, and I am looking forward to my dreams, and another beautiful morning.

I have a favorite doll and she is treasured.

Heart Broken Wide Open

This morning I got up early because I have to head out for a long day of dental appointments. I was sitting reading some facebook posts. I watched a speech by Michele Obama which made me so grateful there are people like her in the world. People who truly care about our children. And then I read an interview with Quentin Tarantino in response to an Uma Thurman claim regarding his treatment of her in filming.

I cried. Not because of the he said she said. My tears were loftier than that. I cried because there even has to be that he said she said. That we have to discuss spitting in someone's face and formulate our opinion on what really happened. I cried because there even has to be gratuitous violence in films. I cried because a writer thinks such unkindness will sell their film and it's what the people want. 

That is the nature of our country today and that breaks my heart wide open.

And my tears were those of sadness and frustration because our humanity has come to this. 

I cried, and I looked heavenward, and prayed out loud that God guide me on the path of kindness. That I am shown how to be kind in every little instance as I head out into my day. And that I notice and take responsibility. My one little drop in the ocean is actually as important as the ocean. And so is yours.

Hard To Believe

 

Sentimentality had me looking back at my beloved blog this morning. It's hard to believe that when I wrote that post Onward Out of Cancer it was actually growing again in my body. And since then I have been on a determined journey. Breast cancer has spread to my bones, lungs and liver. I've been working hard and trying to tame it from all directions. My Oncologist first tried to continue on with hormone blockers. All was going smoothly and on December 4 we celebrated my cancer markers in the normal range! And then in January, next blood test, they had over doubled again. Which sent me to a CT scan and a bone scan. Things have remained smallish and stable in my bones and my lungs, but my liver showed "innumerable lesions". So now I am on the chemo drug Xeloda as well as doing three, four to five hour days of alternative treatment at Amithaba Clinic. The good news is, my liver function is still normal and I'm hoping to keep it that way for a long time.

I'm still working part time and life goes on pretty status quo. I know this is a brief update, an abbreviated story. But it's been seven months of details so I don't even know where to begin really. So many ups and downs and ins and outs and back and forths! 

One thing I do know is I want to blog again. I miss it. I miss recording my story. Everyone has a story to tell. It's what connects us all.My life is still beautiful in so many ways.  So whomever might happen to peek back in now and again, Busha Full of Grace will be here. XOXO

And my-oh-my look at these grandchildren!

Happy Birthday stevematts

I was going to let that day yesterday  slip by this year and then just now I decided not to because I heard this song. 

Happy Birthday, stevematts.

This is probably the last time I will recognize the day.

I truly thought I would hear something from you by now. I thought that's what it was like with us.

It was a great run.  I hope you are well.

Love you.

 

Onward Out of Cancer

Cancer treatment memory, the bulk of it, is becoming more vague by the day. But those other things. Like the side effects of the drug that is "protecting" me from estrogen (for which I am grateful) are becoming more real each day. On March 4 of this year I injured my back while helping my employer move. Diagnosed as a probable herniated disc the doctors had me wait a very long time for an MRI because such injuries "usually heal themselves in 6-8 weeks". Friday I finally got my MRI after 4 months of continued pain and disability and there it was: a fractured vertebrae. Osteoporosis is a possible side effect of Arimidex, especially after 2-3 years of use. I guess I knew this at one time, but in the whirlwind of so many treatments and procedures I guess I forgot. Shouldn't my doctors have reminded me, remembered and reminded me and checked this possibility? 

Yesterday's emailed report was only preliminary because it was a weekend, I will know more after the doctor speaks with the radiologist. But you know, after hobbling around for 4 months feeling more embarrassed and discouraged by the day, after cancelling an all paid trip to Europe because I wasn't strong enough, after putting on weight each day with lack of exercise, after not being able to ever lift my baby granddaughter or let the others snuggle in my bed or chair with me...I'm kind of pissed. And I'm wondering which other bones may be effected... and I'm not a happy camper. I'm a limping granny that is exhausted of chronic pain, but who holds the great hope of now knowing and finding a solution!

 

I'm Damn Sick and Tired of Facebook Politics

I thought I would never return to blogging. Not because I didn't love it, but because Facebook was so so easy and I got hooked. My life is busy and the time it took to sit and compose a whole string of thoughts together lost the race. But over the past year politics have taken over the once carefree forum. I found myself getting caught up in the democrat republican debate when all I really felt in my heart was a humanitarian debate. I don't care how this world gets there, I just feel that every human being is equal and deserves basic kindness and compassion. Boom. That's it for me.

A personal example for me. I was sitting in a doctor's office waiting room waiting for my daughter on Tuesday. An older couple (even older than me :) ) came in and sat down across from me. She was quite cranky with him, I assumed she was nervous for whatever her appointment held.He was being sweet to her but to no avail. The imbalanced banter went back and forth in a few curtly ended exchanges until he kind of shrugged and looked at me with a sheepish smile. After a few moments of silence she picked up a magazine from the table, glanced at it and threw it back down saying loudly with a tone of disgust, "It's in Mexican. This is America." The little Latina girl of about 8 years old sitting next to me looked quickly at her mom, and her mom just reached sideways and patted her knee. It wasn't a big front page news story, but it was a heartbreaking moment of unkindness. Somehow this world seems to have gotten much bolder in its hate. 

Then there was the shooting of Scalise. A regular guy, a man who works hard and was out for a day of enjoyment and hobby, out playing baseball on a sunny afternoon. And he's shot. Thank the Lord he has been upgraded to fair condition. Hodgkinson, the shooter,  is clearly mentally ill, as is, IMHO, any person who goes on a shooting rampage. Mentally ill people should not have guns. Period. Mentally ill people should have clear avenues to psychiatric help. Period. It's not a political issue its a human issue. It just makes sense.

So somehow my humanitarian views have lumped me into "the left" which I guess is expected. But know for sure, if the humanitarian actions come from the right I'm right there. This is just a big ugly compartmentalized fight that is growing every day. I've been watching The Handmaids Tale and you know what stands out to me? The wings they all wear so that they can only see straight ahead. That's the latest fashion trend in America.

So with this said, this outline of where I've been and why I'm back - I hope Blogland still exists cause I'm heeeeere!

 

63 Naturally

This year I noticed my birthday gifts from the eyes (and fingertips) of a fiber artist/Waldorf Kindergarten teacher. I got perfect surprises from my family. And this morning as I empty the gift bag that carried everything home from the farm to table/locally sourced restaurant, I just stopped and smiled at a job well done. Smiling and realizing how well my family knows me.  All the beauty of my gifts speaking from the natural world. A silk and cashmere scarf. 100% cotton sheets from Garnet Hill (my favorite sheets). A beeswax candle. A vanilla and vertiver candle. Turquoise earrings. Pineapple coconut cream pie from The Whole Pie in lieu of a birthday cake. Things with real ingredients. Things I love. My heart is full.

 

And yes, now I have beautiful things to hold and touch and smell and use which is so exciting. A belly full of real food that nourishes me. But I also have this knowing in my soul that my children have been listening all these years. And with the final stop in Armstrong Woods on our way home, I snapped this photo of Mare. Beautiful little Babe in the Woods, the youngest of the crew right now (who did NOT want to get into the car to go back home), and I felt a deep knowing, a deep trust, that my love-of-the-natural-world legacy will carry on. And a birthday wish came true! This was a perfect birthday...and I count my blessings.