Busha Full Of Grace

Unexpected

I am in one of my favorite places.  The cabin I rented is all that I had hoped it would be.  I've found lilacs and dogwood.  Today's hike was long and as beautiful as I remembered.  Not only am I getting great exercise, I'm eating well.  I'm writing and reading and doing art.  Drinking tea and listening to the wind in the pines.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But I'm back indoors and I feel an unrest inching its way into being.  A sadness and lonliness creeping in so I need to write. While it has been sunny and pleasant, still the wind has been blowing strong all day.  I know it could have something to do with that, because I'm sensitive to the electricity in the wind.  I woke up loving the breeze in the pines but it has worn me out.

I also watched a beautiful video this morning that was a tribute to a young man who lost his life to cancer yesterday.  Zach was 18 years old when he died.  He wrote a song called Clouds for his family and friends to have when he was gone.  It went viral on You Tube, and as a gift to him and to raise money for cancer research, it was taken up by some famous folks.  I know this poignant three minutes of his family and friends singing along with his song broke me down to a raw place.  RIP Zach Sobiech.  I don't think I need to say that actually.  You were peace on this earth.  Thank you for touching my life today and teaching me how to live a little bit better.  My heart is broken for your mama.  Your family. Your friends. You?  You are carried on this wind to a place beyond perfect.

Another thing that comes to me is the fact that I have not been focusing on people who laugh with me and enjoy life with abandon.  There has been a lot of depression surrounding me.  Only here one whole day and I miss my family terribly and I know that is because we are pretty full of joy.  I guess this makes me glad for how I am feeling because it makes me appreciate what is in my life but missing right now. In this moment.  We have a pretty awesome group.  A group of people who make the best of life.  I am so grateful for my children and my friends.

What I agreed with myself to do while planning this vacation, was to do it alone so that I could just sit with these feelings as they come up and see where it leads me.  It's a practice I've been learning.  Sit them through and wait them out.  It's only the second day and I'm seeing it's a waste of my dear life, my precious moments to sit out sadness when happiness is waiting there for the asking. And it is time for me to fill my life back up with joy.  Surround myself with those people who have a zest for life like I do!

Just writing this and filling my heart with what I know I have is healing.  I am learning the lessons I set out to learn on this vacation, I guess.  

Here is a poem I wrote today:

Up here at 5000 feet

I'm closer to God.

The wind tore through the pines today,

 Dust swirling in mighty French twists,

And broke me open. 

Someone soared to heaven

And I stood on a mountain top 

Praying goodbye.

I searched forever to find a heart rock

To wrap with twine and hang on the wall.

Nada.

I don't think I've ever searched so hard

fo my Beloved.

My stone.

I found a heart

on

a rock,

But it was too huge to carry.

So I came home empty handed.

Tomorrow is another day.

Another precious day.

I wait with outstretched arms.

 

Solitude Forthcoming

On Monday I'm leaving for a little cabin in the woods.  I'm spending five days at my beloved Donner Lake.  

Me.  

Solo.

I recently realized  that I have not taken a vacation that was not with children, to visit children, or to care for children since 2007 when I went to Stewart Hot Springs.

I looked back through my blog posts and found this one from then and laughed because it was also titled Solitude. I reread it and was filled once again with the knowing of who I become when I explore the world alone.  How rich and full up I am with gratitude.  I am so damn excited!

So next week.  Hiking and exploring by day.  Reading and relaxing in the hot tub and sauna by night.    I am finally going to be able to step upon the call of my dream I wrote about here: The Pacific Crest Trail.  The main focus of this getaway is to meet my mistress.  So to speak.  Finally.  I have yet to see her. Ever.

So I've been devouring books and studying my topographical maps.  Wearing my hiking boots around the house and local trails with and without the insole inserts.  Adding weight gradually to my day pack.  Counting the years, then months, then days until I tread upon her for the first time.   

This is actually just an introduction.  I turn 60 in November and will begin the trek the following Spring.  The plan remains to take about a year and a half - two years to complete the hike in segments.  So this little five day adventure? It's just, say, a coffee date.

this moment

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

 

Mom

 

 My road with my mom has been blessed with diverse terrain, that is for sure.  Being a young adult in the  80's, when claiming victimhood of our parents was prevalent and popular I learned how to hate my mom real good.  Yes, there were hurtful events during my growing up.  And I grew up in the atmoshpere that we don't talk about it outside our front door.  That was the greatest of all betrayals in my mother's eyes.  So I swallowed a lot of pain.

But I know today, with her at 90 and me at nearly 60, that I can say with certainty that my mom never woke up in the morning  and asked herself how she could screw her daughter up that day.  I trust that mom did the best that she could with what she knew.  

And now?  Now I like to focus on the good things she did and not the hurtful.  The kind moments.  The thoughtful gestures.  Her strengths as a mama.  Don't get me wrong, I am no saint!  She still gets under my skin sometimes and I am shorter in temper than I'd hoped to be.  But now I feel as if I have learned how to love her better too.  We come back to center more easily. And everyday I thank God it happened while she is still on this earth with me.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom.  We are here together for a reason.  Thank you.  

this moment

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

the manifesto of encouragement

• right now:

There are Tibetan Buddhist monks in a temple in the Himalayas endlessly reciting mantras for the cessation of your suffering and for the flourishing of your happiness.

Someone you haven’t met yet is already dreaming of adoring you.

Someone is writing a book that you will read in the next two years that will change how you look at life.

Nuns in the Alps are in endless vigil, praying for the Holy Spirit to alight the hearts of all of God’s children.

A farmer is looking at his organic crops and whispering, “nourish them.”

Someone wants to kiss you, to hold you, to make tea for you. Someone is willing to lend you money, wants to know what your favourite food is, and treat you to a movie. Someone  has something immensely valuable to give you — for free.

Something is being invented this year that will change how your generation lives, communicates, heals and passes on.

The next great song is being rehearsed.

Thousands of people are in yoga classes right now intentionally sending light out from their heart chakras and wrapping it around the earth.

Millions of children are assuming that everything is amazing and will always be that way.

Someone is in profound pain, and a few months from now, they’ll be thriving like never before. They just can’t see it from where they’re at.

Someone who is craving to be partnered, to be acknowledged, to ARRIVE, will get precisely what they want — and even more. And because that gift will be so fantastic in it’s reach and sweetness, it will quite magically alter their memory of angst and longing and render it all “So worth the wait.”

Someone has recently cracked open their joyous, genuine nature because they did the hard work of hauling years of oppression off of their psyche — this luminous juju is floating in the ether, and is accessable to you.

Someone just this second wished for world peace, in earnest.

Someone is fighting the fight so that you don’t have to.

Some civil servant is making sure that you get your mail, and your garbage is picked up, that the trains are running on time, and that you are generally safe. Someone is dedicating their days to protecting your civil liberties and clean drinking water.

Someone is regaining their sanity. Someone is coming back from the dead. Someone is genuinely forgiving the seemingly unforgivable. Someone is curing the incurable.

You. Me. Some. One. Now.

I found this on facebook this morning and it made my day.  It is all so simple with faith.  Happy Thursday, my friends!

http://www.daniellelaporte.com/white-hot/the-manifesto-of-encouragement/

The Proverbial Couch

Yesterday I spent my morning before work at the therapist's office. I tend to be an exployer, changing therapists like I change my socks.  Everyday.  Someone will tell me about one that they have met and loved and I'll have to try too.  Or I spot a new handbook in the bookstore filled with so many suggestions I don't know where to begin - just so many good therapists out there.  

Talk therapy.  Nuh-uh. Not usually for me.  Unless of course, the day comes when I feel as if I need to work on being more chatty.  And then I will talk.  I will talk a blue streak if it comes to needing that to feel whole.  But for now, I will walk toward my emotional, spiritual and physical health. Ecotherapy is my healing grace. (Ugh.  I kind of shudder at the new age-y sound of that word; but for the sake of my blog writing I looked it up and found there is truly such an avenue of psychotherapy.  Me, I'm still depending on my old-school-home-remedy-hiking-thank-you-very-much.) My Keens, my hiking stick, a trail and my camera and I am a happy girl. Go gettin' healthy!

Yesterday I found myself on the path behind Indian Valley.  An easy stop on my way to work.

...As the path opens up before me, turning left, turning right, switchbacks and downhills,  I can feel my heart and mind, my very soul, open too.  

Where I come upon a fork I consider choices I'm facing in my life.

 

The expanse, the vastness of the sky above the treetops and mountains call my intention heavenward.  I ask the Universe to guide me peacefully.

(I always see my dad in the clouds.  I feel his presence so close when I'm conscious of clouds.)

 

 

And the old bridges that link one place to another.  Whether over a dry bed or raging waters, they are a link.  A vessel between two parts.

 

 

 

There's so much beauty along the way that I am inspired to feel gratitude, even on the worse days.  If I was a curmudgeon when I set out, I can honestly say I am never a curmudgeon when I exit through natures door back into the hustle and bustle world.  Never. And I don't think it's the exercise, it's the environment, because I don't always get that healing relief when just walking in town.  I believe that all the little elemental beings, the insects and the hiding animals are all rooting for me and blessing their woods with love and light and peace and tranquility for me, and for all of us who walk through treading carefully and with awe.

So may I recommend my favorite therapists (not necessarily in this order):

1.  The Woods.

2.  The Ocean.

3.  The Desert.

And you know what else?  They work pro bono!

 

 

this moment

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

 

Flying So Damn Fast!

The baby of our family is one year old today.  Where did the time go?  What fills the space in between?  One year ago right now I was leaving the birthing center full up with a splendid sunrise as my very own daughter pushed little Emil into the world as we all stood welcoming.  I remember with absolute awe the birthing mama she was.  She walked, and squated through a contraction.  Walked some more and commented on a song she liked, squatting again.  She talked to her little children (we were all there) with a smile.  Held their hands and squatted again.  

We arrived to her room and the midwife checked her and she was fully dilated and ready to get into the birthing tub.  How in the hell was she so functional?  A crazy strong birthing warrior she is.  Both my daughters are grit strong birthers.  And to be perfectly honest they didn't get that from me.  I'm a wimp in comparison.

But a year ago this moment Brooke and I were whizzing across Chicago full up with blessed birth, trying to get Ike to his school play on time!  And I was a new grandma.  Again.

Happy First Birthday Emil Amadeus Vargas!  Busha loves you to the moon and back!

Yesterday I Met An Angel

I had a day pretty much to myself yesterday with the exception of a visit with Mom.  After I left Mom's nursing home I made a stop at The Republic of Thrift - the newest second hand store in town that shares its proceeds to support our schools - to browse around a bit.  I have great luck in thrift stores, finding exactly what I put my mind to find.  Yesterday I had a bee in my bonnet that I wanted a crystal soap dish for a beautiful bar of soap I bought earlier at the market.  

 Yes.  I found just what I was looking for, and something far greater!

It was ten minutes to six and they were closing at six.  I found the exact dish I had in mind and picked up a few green glass votive candle holders and a brown linen chair cover (yes it needs ironing :) )  

My arms were full of glass and such and I reached the counter at the same moment as the other last shopper in the store.  We met eyes and they just sorta locked, and she gave me a huge jolly grin (one that made me long to just smile broadly right back!) she asked how I was and I could say nothing but, "Great!"  She just made me feel that way.

I waited browsing jewelry on the counter as the women checked her out.  She was purchasing clothes for her family back in Figi.  I overheard her conversation in her rich and colorful voice.  Her story of the family she left behind.  She paid, and then the woman helping her asked her if she had the number of the cab company she needed to call.  Hearing that I asked, "Are you calling a cab?  I can give you a ride home."  

And that was a moment full with a blessing from God.

We introduced ourselves as we walked to my car.  Every seat was taken up with Mom's belongings which I had packed and begun moving earlier that day.  I apologized as I took some time to rearrange so there was a place for her to sit.  I told her I was in was in the process of moving my Mom, and a bit of Mom's story in a nutshell.  She looked at me with open mouth, an open happy face, and said, "God does bring Tima and Marianne together at just the right time!"  She went on that she was a live-in caregiver, working for the same woman for 2 years.  We figured out that she was a friend of one of Mom's previous caregivers, and she knew someone looking for a position also.

We sat in my car in front of her house and talked for an hour.  We talked about aging, and caregiving,  roses and holidays, meals and poop, family, friendship and lonliness, and spiritual beliefs.  I fell in love with this big, soft, joyful woman with the big heart and the big laugh.  Her own mother passed away two weeks ago.

I got her phone number in my little black book, and gave her mom's name at her request, on the back of an old grocery receipt, so that she could add her to her prayers.  As I talk to my family about right next steps I will certainly bring Tima into the equation!

I do believe that this meeting was no accident.

Thank you God.