I am in one of my favorite places. The cabin I rented is all that I had hoped it would be. I've found lilacs and dogwood. Today's hike was long and as beautiful as I remembered. Not only am I getting great exercise, I'm eating well. I'm writing and reading and doing art. Drinking tea and listening to the wind in the pines.
But I'm back indoors and I feel an unrest inching its way into being. A sadness and lonliness creeping in so I need to write. While it has been sunny and pleasant, still the wind has been blowing strong all day. I know it could have something to do with that, because I'm sensitive to the electricity in the wind. I woke up loving the breeze in the pines but it has worn me out.
I also watched a beautiful video this morning that was a tribute to a young man who lost his life to cancer yesterday. Zach was 18 years old when he died. He wrote a song called Clouds for his family and friends to have when he was gone. It went viral on You Tube, and as a gift to him and to raise money for cancer research, it was taken up by some famous folks. I know this poignant three minutes of his family and friends singing along with his song broke me down to a raw place. RIP Zach Sobiech. I don't think I need to say that actually. You were peace on this earth. Thank you for touching my life today and teaching me how to live a little bit better. My heart is broken for your mama. Your family. Your friends. You? You are carried on this wind to a place beyond perfect.
Another thing that comes to me is the fact that I have not been focusing on people who laugh with me and enjoy life with abandon. There has been a lot of depression surrounding me. Only here one whole day and I miss my family terribly and I know that is because we are pretty full of joy. I guess this makes me glad for how I am feeling because it makes me appreciate what is in my life but missing right now. In this moment. We have a pretty awesome group. A group of people who make the best of life. I am so grateful for my children and my friends.
What I agreed with myself to do while planning this vacation, was to do it alone so that I could just sit with these feelings as they come up and see where it leads me. It's a practice I've been learning. Sit them through and wait them out. It's only the second day and I'm seeing it's a waste of my dear life, my precious moments to sit out sadness when happiness is waiting there for the asking. And it is time for me to fill my life back up with joy. Surround myself with those people who have a zest for life like I do!
Just writing this and filling my heart with what I know I have is healing. I am learning the lessons I set out to learn on this vacation, I guess.
Here is a poem I wrote today:
Up here at 5000 feet
I'm closer to God.
The wind tore through the pines today,
Dust swirling in mighty French twists,
And broke me open.
Someone soared to heaven
And I stood on a mountain top
I searched forever to find a heart rock
To wrap with twine and hang on the wall.
I don't think I've ever searched so hard
fo my Beloved.
I found a heart
But it was too huge to carry.
So I came home empty handed.
Tomorrow is another day.
Another precious day.
I wait with outstretched arms.