My 59th birthday celebration was on Saturday night. My last year of being in my 50's and I'm good with that. I'm feeling healthy and vital and strong.
What I find myself reflecting on is how my life has always been an unplanned surprise. It has never, once, been what I envisioned for myself. Not my education, not my courtship and marriage, not my parenting, not my divorce...it has all manifested far out of the boundaries of my dreams.
And now, the big one for me is my grandparenting. I do my best, I know that. I love being Busha. But I always held this plan in my heart that I would be the grandmother half of grandparents. Kind of like my parents were. I would be retired and have time to make my home cozy and this very fun haven for the grandkids. I would have all the time in the world.
But as my life unfolded and I had my first child very young and I couldn't find the partner who wanted to stick around and be a couple and raise our children together, I found the need to be a full time working parent. I began teaching because 1: I love children and 2: I would have the same schedule as the family I was trying to raise. But I wouldn't sell out either. I chose to become a Waldorf teacher because it is a pedagogy I can believe in whole-heartedly. But that choice too came with its surprise ending that I did not foresee.
Because that job didn't come with a retirement plan in place for these days I'm living now. For these days where I want to be at home more to welcome the grandkids over, feed them, make glitter messes, camp out on the living room floor, laugh and be silly. For these days when I long for a home of my own. Crazy I no longer have that either. For these days when I want to travel to interesting places with my grandkids and be a student myself once again.
But alas, I still work, and will probably work until the day I die. Thank goodness I love my job and it is representative of what I want to be doing with my life. My one, unalterable stength and grace is working with children. And don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining or blaming anyone. I trust my destiny. I'm just marveling at how off base my plans and visions for my life have been all of these years.
I live these days one at a time, I navigate through the unforseen challenges that I wouldn't have chosen, and I trust that this is the plan and a purpose for me on this earth.
And funny thing, this whole kinda ranting blog post was fueled by quickly cleaning off my desk before leaving for work, and noticing a beautiful box of glitter that I have yet to share with Satchel and Temple, along with a Grand Busha Idea! (Thank gawd it wasn't a bomb or some such thing!)
I'm truly happy to be here is the midst of my Saturn return straightening myself out for the rest of my journey. I'm really grateful to even have a job in the current economy. I'm gateful for my health and for my friends and family. But you know what?
That glitter is real pretty....