Busha Full Of Grace

The Yellow Brick Road

 I deserve a better way and I am searching for it. My spiritual path has been lit up once again. It's funny how we wander from them without even realizing. Life gets in the way all too often.  We become humans trying to be spiritual rather than spirits trying to be human.  

Yesterday, while driving to work I took a little detour through Petaluma for...just for me!  On the drive over I heard a segment on NPR by Laura Vanderkam who wrote an article for The Wall Street Journal titled Are You As Busy As You Think? And she made a lot of sense.  I realized that I have gotten caught up in the call to whine about how busy I am.  I began to ask myself the question  Am I lying to myself?  Bottom line, I am a busy person.  Next line, I can do something about it.  From her words and the situations of the callers I can really see all this complaining as our need to feel important.  We talk ourselves into feeling so miserable and yet so important.  If we're that miserable something needs to be done about it.  Because life is not meant to be miserable.

In going from my parents home into a marriage at 16 (a divorce, another marriage, another divorce and five children, teacher...single parent/teacher, and two very critical, demanding parents of my own) I have lived my life by shoulds and musts.  I have tried to fit everything in that I could to remain present for my family, because I always felt as if my crazy single parent household was some kind of failure.   It was damn hard work for sure.

I had a long conversation with my cousin Diane on a recent lunch date, and I told her that I feel invisible in my life these days.  Pretty much since I returned from Chicago.  Of course, being my cheerleader as she always is, she disagreed and offered me encouragement that I am not invisible.  And I love her for that.  But I feel it quite apparently.  That moving from Chicago, a Chicago where I felt alive and content as could be, was the last big thing I did against my heart and will, and it is true evidence that I can and must make a new change.  A change back to what feels like a continuation of my path.  The life I was meant to live.

This life, at 58 years old, needs a remaking.  And that is just what I am doing.  I am taking my Saturn Return very seriously.  I am studying new spiritual literature.  I am sweeping the dust from my new path with an old, well-loved broom.  I am surrounding myself in positive affirmations.  When I need to, I am avoiding those folks who make me feel badly.  I am saying no.  I am asking myself at each decision I make, "Am I agreeing just so they like me?"  If the answer is no, truly no and I want to respond out of love, and I can comfortably respond, then I say yes.  And if the answer is yes, I show myself that I can like my own self just fine.  And I say no. We are all equal and magnificent, and by my saying yes when I mean no I am saying I am not as good as you.  I am perpetuating the feelings of less than.

Basically I am removing the toxicity from my life that I allowed in though years of feeling not quite good enough.  Now that I am slowing down and taking a deep look, I'm pretty amazed at what I allowed.  And maybe, for a good many years it was the higher self, the noble thing to do: to give myself totally to the beautiful children that I brought into this world.  That was no mistake.  They were my greatest gifts to the world.  Unalterably.

But now, at 58, with all of my children grown into adults...now at 58 I am rethinking my feelings of invisible and taking it as a cue, a message from the Divine, that I can move on and live my own life for me now.  I can seek out the joys that speak to me at this age.  And I only, really, have myself to account to. What I am really getting now through the deep feelings of being unseen, is I can be done. I am finding my whole self again and I like myself.  I like who I am.  And mainly: I Am.

Next month I am going to a conference of inspirational speakers in San Jose and I cannot wait!  My main interest is to hear Anita Moorjani (Dying to be Me) speak about her near death experience and the wisdom with which she returned.  Also speaking, Dr. Wayne Dyer (Wishes Fulfilled) and Louise Hay.  I'm going with my dear friend, Charlene, and I cannot wait for new inspiration!  If you're interested in either of these books, I highly recommend them!

 

this moment

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

Happy Valentine's Day!

At Least We Have A Pot To Pee In

Sunday morning, sitting at my Mom's breakfast table with a jillion things rushing through my head. Trying to get her packed to move tomorrow without making her cry with each and everything I wrap. It's daunting to think she is moving tomorrow.  But...

First of all, the front door is open and the sun is shining through the screen.

I just gave Mom her pills, her tea, a ginger scone and a sliced apple. I caught her trying to palm the diuretic....again. She just doesn't understand how important they are to her health. And I'm not a huge pill taker, but it is a must.  The fluid is starting to seep through her skin because it has no where else to go. She is in final stages of edema. I say that with an air of humor, but actually it's true. We weigh her daily and this morning she put on two pounds since yesterday, so I know. I know that when Zak was here with her yesterday morning she must have palmed her pill. I know because she only peed twice yesterday and anyone who has ever taken a diuretic knows the impossibility of that. And I know cause I caught her today. And I kept trying to bust her by handing her something in the hand where it was palmed and she was clever. Oh so clever at moving it back and forth until I called her on it.  She said with a perfectly straight face, "I take that one last."  BS hahaha  Who takes a handful of pills and saves one of the tiniest ones for last? I told her I was no dummy, and I saw her try to hold back the hint of a smile before it was overtaken by an angry sigh of resignation.  When they test her for dementia I suggest they just give her a diuretic to take. Demented like a fox.

It's just that she's getting more and more sedentary, and thus feels that the diuretics calling is too much of a nuisance. I'm sure counting on the assisted living facility to get her motor running strong again.

Another bit of joy: On the counter in front of the toaster is the first lovely bloom of daphne.  It is such a remarkable gift of winter.  The bush outside is loaded with them, but not quite open to full bloom.  Daphne reminds me of my mom.  I remember when she first introduced me to them in her and my dad's garden.  I was smitten for life.

EVENING UPDATE:  Yay!  Look what Camille found when she was packing up Mom's crystal hutch!  A sock ready for the gusset.  In all the hustle and bustle of moving to Chicago I just forgot about it I guess.  (Plus this goes to show you what a sanguine knitter I am!) it was one I left here  so that I always had a project to work on when I dropped in.  Nothing like starting a project that is half done already!

 

this moment

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

Pacific Grove

 

Work this week has me down the California coast in Pacific Grove, right next to Monterey. The weather has been amazing: sunny, clear, still and mild.  Truly a gift from God I say.  

 

I've been spending my days galavanting on the shores, trails, piers and streets of interest with a little six year old that has been a delight.  Sipping my morning coffee on the bottom cliff stair while watching him gather shells and swing seaweed. We both gather our favorites and then he likes to hae a trading session.  This teeny little sea urchin (here next to a dime) was my favorite,

 

Eating meals at different restaurants the locals recommend.  Having drawing contests.

 

 

We spent a whole day yesteday at the Monterey Bay Aquarium.  

 

Today we scouted the Monarch Habitat, but only saw a few single butterflies up very high in the trees.  I think we were too early in the day and needed to wait until the sun was higher.  

We ended up playing at the beach all afternoon.

The little beach house they rented is sweet and comfortable and right across the street from the ocean.  We are very busy and do a lot of playing, but in between I find some time to knit and read. Um...not this book :)

 

 It's a busy world with an active six year old boy 12 to 15 hours a day, and shower and bed feel more than heavenly when they come around, but it has been such a nice time.  I love my nanny fam like my own and this has been a perfect treat after the last few weeks with Mom.  

Tonight I'm sitting up here in my bed posting, after a long, warm shower to wash all the day's sand away, and I feel the little bit of rosy the sun left on my cheeks and nose today.  I'm going to sleep great tonight.  And tomorrow?  We'll meet dad at the beach adjacent to the conference grounds with a picnic lunch at noon and then...and then....not quite sure yet but I'm looking forward to it!