I deserve a better way and I am searching for it. My spiritual path has been lit up once again. It's funny how we wander from them without even realizing. Life gets in the way all too often. We become humans trying to be spiritual rather than spirits trying to be human.
Yesterday, while driving to work I took a little detour through Petaluma for...just for me! On the drive over I heard a segment on NPR by Laura Vanderkam who wrote an article for The Wall Street Journal titled Are You As Busy As You Think? And she made a lot of sense. I realized that I have gotten caught up in the call to whine about how busy I am. I began to ask myself the question Am I lying to myself? Bottom line, I am a busy person. Next line, I can do something about it. From her words and the situations of the callers I can really see all this complaining as our need to feel important. We talk ourselves into feeling so miserable and yet so important. If we're that miserable something needs to be done about it. Because life is not meant to be miserable.
In going from my parents home into a marriage at 16 (a divorce, another marriage, another divorce and five children, teacher...single parent/teacher, and two very critical, demanding parents of my own) I have lived my life by shoulds and musts. I have tried to fit everything in that I could to remain present for my family, because I always felt as if my crazy single parent household was some kind of failure. It was damn hard work for sure.
I had a long conversation with my cousin Diane on a recent lunch date, and I told her that I feel invisible in my life these days. Pretty much since I returned from Chicago. Of course, being my cheerleader as she always is, she disagreed and offered me encouragement that I am not invisible. And I love her for that. But I feel it quite apparently. That moving from Chicago, a Chicago where I felt alive and content as could be, was the last big thing I did against my heart and will, and it is true evidence that I can and must make a new change. A change back to what feels like a continuation of my path. The life I was meant to live.
This life, at 58 years old, needs a remaking. And that is just what I am doing. I am taking my Saturn Return very seriously. I am studying new spiritual literature. I am sweeping the dust from my new path with an old, well-loved broom. I am surrounding myself in positive affirmations. When I need to, I am avoiding those folks who make me feel badly. I am saying no. I am asking myself at each decision I make, "Am I agreeing just so they like me?" If the answer is no, truly no and I want to respond out of love, and I can comfortably respond, then I say yes. And if the answer is yes, I show myself that I can like my own self just fine. And I say no. We are all equal and magnificent, and by my saying yes when I mean no I am saying I am not as good as you. I am perpetuating the feelings of less than.
Basically I am removing the toxicity from my life that I allowed in though years of feeling not quite good enough. Now that I am slowing down and taking a deep look, I'm pretty amazed at what I allowed. And maybe, for a good many years it was the higher self, the noble thing to do: to give myself totally to the beautiful children that I brought into this world. That was no mistake. They were my greatest gifts to the world. Unalterably.
But now, at 58, with all of my children grown into adults...now at 58 I am rethinking my feelings of invisible and taking it as a cue, a message from the Divine, that I can move on and live my own life for me now. I can seek out the joys that speak to me at this age. And I only, really, have myself to account to. What I am really getting now through the deep feelings of being unseen, is I can be done. I am finding my whole self again and I like myself. I like who I am. And mainly: I Am.
Next month I am going to a conference of inspirational speakers in San Jose and I cannot wait! My main interest is to hear Anita Moorjani (Dying to be Me) speak about her near death experience and the wisdom with which she returned. Also speaking, Dr. Wayne Dyer (Wishes Fulfilled) and Louise Hay. I'm going with my dear friend, Charlene, and I cannot wait for new inspiration! If you're interested in either of these books, I highly recommend them!