...this is the person I like best." Anyone else remember that little rhyme from childhood? Where you stand in the center of a circle with one hand over yours eyes and the opposite hand extended in front of you pointing out? And then you spin around in a circle chanting that rhyme and whomever you stop in front of is the person you choose to be next in the game? Well, that's how my life is going these days.
Trying to take care of my health, my job with its 2 hour commute, my mom. Throw in a day with my grandchildren which come few and far between, and my friends (which also come few and far between) and there is no time to rest. There is barely time to shoot an email much less a phone call. Packages sent off from the post office without any kind of written enclosure - just boom, lick, close, send. And that's on a good day. And retirement is not anywhere to be seen yet.
I haven't written much about my health here because it all felt like too much drama. I needed to have the drama under control inside my-own-self before I put it out there, and now I do. Actually, now things are looking really good. I had a highly questionable endometrial biopsy right before Thanksgiving that had me very frightened. I've seen numerous doctors in San Francisco and gotten several opinions. Finally, last Friday, the second biopsy results came back from Stanford, and while there is definitely an overgrowth of cells which can be precancerous, there are no abnormal cells present. No cancer. I still need to have a hysterectomy, but I was able to postpone my surgery one month so that I can get my mom out of the hospital and settled.
Mom has been really tough lately. So contrary to all that we are trying to do for her. And the stress around it is causing the solid rock of my family to crack and crumble. It's heartbreaking for me. And I never in my wildest dreams expected this would be the response and outcome from my family so I don't really know what to do about it. I'm stumped. I've read/heard/seen it happen in other families but I never thought in mine. Thus, I could never recuperate wholly from a big surgery while things with Mom were left undone. Everyone is overwhelmed or checked out, and the burden of daily care has fallen on a few. I've worked too hard at forming a loving and compassionate family to throw the baby out with the bathwater. Or the granny out with the bathwater. The sitz bath water.
It's my job. My Mom is my job. And my brother's, but he's checked out too. Long gone. Me, I want to do a good job so that I may rest when she rests in peace. She will finally find that peace one day. I'm sure of it. But I don't think it is going to be on the eathly side of the precious veil. And then, we here, will rebuild.
For now I meditate and pray to keep my sanity. Zip my lip when I am pissed off. Try to act the compassion I long to feel. Wonder at the picture of aging in our society and the art of caring that has become what it is. For now I reminisce and try to model myself after those in my family who have gone before me with kindness true grace. That's who I wanted to be when I grew up. And now I'm grown up. Can I fit into their shoes? I'm tying them on everyday. I'll let you know.