North, South, East, West...

...this is the person I like best." Anyone else remember that little rhyme from childhood? Where you stand in the center of a circle with one hand over yours eyes and the opposite hand extended in front of you pointing out? And then you spin around in a circle chanting that rhyme and whomever you stop in front of is the person you choose to be next in the game?  Well, that's how my life is going these days.

Trying to take care of my health, my job with its 2 hour commute, my mom.  Throw in a day with my grandchildren which come few and far between, and my friends (which also come few and far between) and there is no time to rest.  There is barely time to shoot an email much less a phone call.  Packages sent off from the post office without any kind of written enclosure - just boom, lick, close, send.  And that's on a good day.  And retirement is not anywhere to be seen yet.

I haven't written much about my health here because it all felt like too much drama.  I needed to have the drama under control inside my-own-self before I put it out there, and now I do.  Actually, now things are looking really good. I had a highly questionable endometrial biopsy right before Thanksgiving that had me very frightened.  I've seen numerous doctors in San Francisco and gotten several opinions.  Finally, last Friday, the second biopsy results came back from Stanford, and while there is definitely an overgrowth of cells which can be precancerous, there are no abnormal cells present.  No cancer.  I still need to have a hysterectomy, but I was able to postpone my surgery one month so that I can get my mom out of the hospital and settled.

Mom has been really tough lately.  So contrary to all that we are trying to do for her.  And the stress around it is causing the solid rock of my family to crack and crumble.  It's heartbreaking for me.  And I never in my wildest dreams expected this would be the response and outcome from my family so I don't really know what to do about it.  I'm stumped.  I've read/heard/seen it happen in other families but I never thought in mine.  Thus, I could never recuperate wholly from a big surgery while things with Mom were left undone.  Everyone is overwhelmed or checked out, and the burden of daily care has fallen on a few.  I've worked too hard at forming a loving and compassionate family to throw the baby out with the bathwater.  Or the granny out with the bathwater.  The sitz bath water.  

It's my job.  My Mom is my job. And my brother's, but he's checked out too.  Long gone.   Me, I want to do a good job so that I may rest when she rests in peace.  She will finally find that peace one day.  I'm sure of it. But I don't think it is going to be on the eathly side of the precious veil.   And then, we here,  will rebuild.

 

For now I meditate and pray to keep my sanity.  Zip my lip when I am pissed off.  Try to act the compassion I long to feel.  Wonder at the picture of aging in our society and the art of caring that has become what it is.  For now I reminisce and try to model myself after those in my family who have gone before me with kindness true grace.  That's who I wanted to be when I grew up.  And now I'm grown up.  Can I fit into their shoes?  I'm tying them on everyday. I'll let you know.

Comments

[jaykaym]

Ive read this post a few times and I've thought about the things I want to say to you like "It will all be fine" and "Don't be so hard on yourself" but I know that those are platitudes that don't often ring very true. The first thing is to take care of yourself, both physically and mentally. You are no good to anyone if you are not well.

Then, lower your expectations. If things don't get done as well as you would like, the world will not end. If visits don't get made as often as you feel they should, the world will not end. If your mother never is able to articulate her love for you, realize that her querulousness is a long standing habit and not attributable to you or your behaviour or your care of her. You are a good daughter, mother, busha, caregiver, and friend (even to those of us in cyberland).

When overwhelmed a list and a schedule help, but put yourself on that schedule. You need an entry that says, "This is my time to sit, to read, to knit, to drink tea, to stare at the hills, and no one can take this time from me because it is on the list and I am just as important as all the other things on this list." And then when someone wants you to do one more thing to help them out you say, "I'm so sorry. I'm already booked solid for that time." You don't need to tell them you've booked that time for sitting still and closing your eyes and dreaming.

Namaste.

[traceykinohio]

Great post. One day at a time is all that is required from any of us. Take care of yourself
:-)

[bkj]

Heed jaykaym's advice. Wise words. bkj

[me]

Thanks everyone...jaykaym, I love the idea of putting myself on the list! Brilliant.

I am taking care of myself in several absolute ways: good sleep, good nutrition, daily walk and weekly appointment with my acupuncturist. But the list. I love the list with myself on it!!! xoxo

[Hattie]

Just came over from Naomi's blog.
I've been where you are now. And you are right that you just keep on going.
And really, what will count most for you in the end is having a clear conscience. That is really, really true. The people who run away are the miserable ones.
Good luck and all the best with your surgery and everything else.
Marianna Scheffer (aka "Hattie."}

[Lisa]

Jaykaym has it nailed. It is a long walk home. And you will be there at the end of it, without regret. A mentor told me when my mother was dying, "When your parents die, as terrible as the loss is, you are free in a way you never were before." I read something similar to this a few nights ago. It is a terrible freedom, because it is linked to loss of all you had and had torelease, and all that you hoped for and did not get, but it is a peaceful freedom, also, when you know you have given all you could of your time, heart, hands and soul. It is a great gift, what you are giving your mom. Somehow it gives back the gift she gave you in birthing you. Will you do it perfectly? No. Our mothers did not love us perfectly, either. There is only the compassion you dig for and hold to when you are depleted. Bless you my friend. You are an angel to her, and whether she is conscious of it or not; you are giving her life, now. With you in it, don't forget. Love,
Lisa

[Lisa]

p.s. Today is my mother's birthday. She's been gone 4 1/2 years. I feel her with me often and it is very tender...