Busha Full Of Grace

Lorraine's Diner

Yesterday was crazy springtime storm. I took the 66 bus downtown to do a Movie Marathon Sunday. I've really been wanting to see "Sunshine Cleaners" and "The Soloist", and they were both playing at the same theater. I saw "Sunshine Cleaners" first. It was a good film, in a slow kind of way. When I came out from that movie, with every intention of seeing "The Soloist" next, the sun was actually shining. So instead, I headed out walking along Michigan Avenue, and all about that part of the city. I bought my mom a birthday card, sat and had coffee and wrote it out. After a couple of hours, I decided to find the bus stop and head home. When I got off at my stop, I noticed Lorraine's Diner...again. Three of the four corners of that intersection are eating places: McDonalds, Subway, and Lorraine's. Camille and I used to talk about going in there but just never did. There is something really comforting about having a corner diner. When I was growing up it was Kramers; and if anyone had anything negative to say about the meal being served in our home, one of my parents would always say, "Kramers is right down the street." In my split second of decision making the sky opened up with torrential rain. People scattered into doorways everywhere. It was 75 degrees and pouring. That was my clue. I ducked into the greasy air of Lorraines, wondering if I'd made a huge mistake, and the handful of only men, mostly speaking spanish, smiled welcomingly. So I took a booth and looked at the menu. Before I could focus on the page I had a steaming cup of (terribly watery) coffee in front of me. The cook/waiter smiled and brought me cream. He was pretty old. And mind you, someone 55 is saying this. But he felt good and happy and like a nice guy. I was comfortable. Well the menu read, "We have bitchy waitresses, dirty dishes, but damned good food." Ha! So I read it over, thinking about it and decided to go all the (diner) way. I order a grilled ham and cheese sandwich. I should have known right then what I was in for, but I couldn't resist. The ham was real! That was amazing. But...the cheese was not, and the white bread was so saturated with grease I couldn't eat it. I pulled my sandwich apart like a little kid, nibbling on this, pushing that away. I felt so bad, that I might hurt the old guys feelings. But I just couldn't eat it all. Now, the experience...was fun. Really really fun for me. My palate has just changed since my diner days. My Busha had a coffe shop in San Francisco and I don't remember ever thinking it could have possibly been greasy. But then, maybe it was. So I swallowed down the dregs of my watery coffee (which had gotten kind of cold and didn't get along well with the grease in my mouth), paid my check, left the old guy a nice tip, and then went home, brushed my teeth again and again, ate a Tums, and showered the greasy smell out of my hair. Last night I had a terrible belly ache.

janmadina mubaarak ho

Jahan was born May 5, 2008, here in Chicago. But today is his Hindi first birthday. He was born in the month of "Chitra", under the star "Bherni". His grandma called to ask if his mama and papa would take him to the Temple. janmadina mubaarak ho, little Jahan.

Funny Thing Happened on My Way to Somewhere.

In other words, I found some moments to make me smile this week. Those I like to call "Lifeline Moments" when I'm carrying worrisome thoughts. Simple happiness...

I got to spend some time with Jahan's 2 year old cousin visiting from Oregon. Such a gabby, lovely little girl-child. So earnest as she pees her pants, time and again, climbs out of these hard-earned panties and goes about on her way.She is somethin' else. 

 

While walking with Jahan on Thursday. I passed by this mailbox and garden, adjacent to one another. I read the name, looked at the garden display and really had to laugh.  I thought, "No shit." (In a good way.) And then I was scared to death that some crotchety old witch of a woman was going to come out and yell at me as I took the photos.  I just knew she was staring at me from behind pulled shades.

 

And then last night Vijay and Swapna were both on call at the hospital, so I had two cozy little bed partners. They won my heart: these sleeping spoons, yin and yang, little seed with sprout; I was so taken that I grabbed my camera at 3am (after I was awakened by the loud giddiness of the last folks leaving the bar down the street) and took these photographs.

I clung to the edge of that mattress like the edge of a lifeboat...being held on by sweet milky, musty breath, porcelain skin and lacy eyelashes. Utter peacefullness and it was all mine to carry through that night.

The morning came with warmth and sunshine, calling out for something special for breakfast. So we had cinnamon French Toast with strawberries...in baby style: Kinder style: Laughter and simple joy are always there if we look, like magic elixers. Tonight there is a marvelously midwestern thunder/lightening storm. Swapna went to "The Burbs", Vijay to a bachelor party, and I (and the dog) are listening to the novel Run by Ann Patchett downloaded from iTunes, and I'm knitting a cotton summer jumper for Temple. I had a huge spinach salad and a piece of reheated, leftover potroast, all rolled up into a flatbread for dinner...and I think I'm good now. You?

Even after all this time

The sun never says to the earth,

"You owe Me."

Look what happens with A love like that,

It lights the Whole Sky.

~ Hafiz ~

 

Happy Birthday my dear friend, Jill.  I miss you and love you.

 

Jill Marie Griffin

April 1952 ~ June, 2008

Wanderings

Yesterday didn't find me at the Arboretum. Somehow I couldn't get out of the city. Lost in thought, I just kept driving around, not wanting to enter the freeways. On a whim I got a massage, then I stopped by Shannon's to drop off some things I had for them. I decided not to even get out of the car cause the parking was frustrating. Blah blah blah. And I really didn't even feel like chatting. Then I went to Whole Foods, got some dinner and came home. It wasn't a bad day, just a quiet day of inertia. On the way home, driving west, the sky was beautiful. Dark, with incandescent lining. Rays of light stabbing through to the earth. I went to the top parking lot at Dominick's (which has a versatile view of the city's skyline within the four directions) and took some photos. My camera wasn't quite as accurate as my eyes. But you get the gist of it.

Second Thought

Yes to all my thoughts and feelings yesterday. Those thoughts were from my grateful self. But my fierce mama voice keeps calling for a second opinion.

I had nightmares all night last night, about mean men taking me on rugged, out of the way, steep paths to nowhere, with the promises of bringing me to the hidden dahlia garden in my backyard; a circle of mdahlias in the middle of a woods.  And cunning young men trying to get me. I woke up with a sore lower back and neck, and puffy eyes.

Seventy-five degrees expected today. I'm up early for a Saturday...because of nightmares and to finish the laundry, clean my room, scrub my bathroom, sweep and vaccuum. Before the ecstasy, the laundry.  I lit incense and did my meditation. And now I'm off to Morton's Arboretum to see what gifts Ostara left since I was last there. Thanks little Satch, for this idea within the storm.

The she-bear has awoken. 

Yes, Doctor.

So the morning-after thoughts. Do I still respect "them" in the morning? I want to. I want to trust, especially after all I have watched Shannon do/say/consider/work towards/care about. But what do you do with the information, the facts that are lingering in your mind? My relationship is with her Family Practice doctor, OUR family doctor, I know this woman. Camille goes in with eye pain, and Dr. Reed is right on top of it; gets testing, thorough testing done immediately followed up by referrals to specialists. All within a week.

So what I first hear, " two adenomas on the pituitary gland - surgery or radiation with hormone replacement" I study and research in depth. I take the information seriously and ponder success rate, risks, options, alternatives. I talk to anyone and everyone about it with the hope of finding another point to research and consider. And everyone responds with their knowledge, ideas, love, words of encouragement, generosities. Now we are all holding Camille with two foreign things in her head. Trusting a perfect outcome.

And then she goes to the specialists and they say wait and watch. Wait. Watch. Wait. Wait. Wait. Ummmmmmm....OK? All better?

So I ruminate  long into the night and with the morning sun. I meditate with my fingers wrapped around the healing stones hanging on a silver chain. What is the lesson here? What am I supposed to be doing or understanding? For me, personally? I am reminded of all the loving people who surround me. They reach out and I am touched. Secondly, I have the opportunity to walk my talk. To actually trust alternative medicine when I am looking at it personally. True friendship, committed family,love, faith, natural choices are all still there after the medical docs have gone away. These will provide our sanity, our healing. We are encouraged to get to the basis of the tumors: making Camille her healthiest self, able to wage this battle with a strong body and from her soul. With gentle treatment. Hard work. Holding friends. Deep cleansing. Spirit carrying us.

And then we'll see what they say in six months.  And that is the best we can do right now.  And the best is great.

So, I never got to telling you about the mulberry bush...

A few days ago I was dancing around it. Remember? Well it was hard for me to talk about. I needed to get my barings. Last Friday morning Camille went to see our doctor to get the results of her recent MRI. And they found two ( 99% benign) tumors on her pituitary gland. Monday they did a lot of lab work, and today she meets with an endocrinologist and neurosurgeon. They will decide the best treatment for her: either surgery, radiation or both. Whatever the decision, the brain is scary territory.

What has been the greatest AND most difficult for her really, is the word "benign". Because she will live a long and happy life.  But this word leads people to believe it's not serious. It is very serious, especially because she feels so horrible and her illness has effected her daily life in so many ways recently (in response to hormone imbalance and physical pressure inside her head.) What is really good about it all, is that she will feel so much better now that we know what the problem is and she can be treated.

And, as you all must surmise, we long to be together. Plans will be made as we get more clarity on the course of treatment. It's hard because my livlihood is here in Chicago now. While it is not life or death, it is "life-threatening" in the fact that it controls her everyday existence. She needs her mama.

Please hold her in your prayers today. Thanks...

UPDATE:

Thank you all for your love and prayers.  Camille is a strong, healthy girl.  All of her hormone tests came back within normal range, so the two specialists suggested that we watch the tumors closely for the next 6 months, and in the meantime that Camille proceeds with the surgery to repair her deviated septum, and nasal polyps.  As well, the neurologist thinks that her headaches may be migraines because the MRI doesn't show the tumors to be large enough to be putting pressure anywhere.

I just want my girl to feel better.  So while I am so relieved with today's outcome, so relieved, I don't know which way to turn to get her feeling better.  If anyone has any suggestions I'm open (and grateful!)  This afternoon I visited the local bead shop and made Camille and I matching pendants for her healing.  I researched the stones for pituitary health as well as inner strength.  Mine's on my neck and hers is already in the mail.

Again thank you for the love sent our way.  It means the world to me.

Last Saturday's Quotes From My Boys

I got this in the mail from Brooke on Easter Eve: "Satchel's letter, verbatim, as dictated for Ostara and the Easter Bunny. We love you all. Happy Easter!

 

"Hi Ostara! Hi Easter Bunny! How are you doing?

Thank you, Ostara, for bringing out the birds and the grass and the flowers and for waking up the bears. Thank you for bringing me treats too!

This is my sister’s first Easter. She likes to irritate me. (No, Mom, scribble that part out.) She adores me a lot. I think I’m her favorite person. Please leave her a special treat. (Hey! She just took a bite out of this paper!!!! Hahahahaha!) I hope you have a great time here while we are sleeping. We made the daffodils fresh for you. And the colored eggs. I hope you like my pirate/monster egg. We love you Easter Bunny and Ostara!

Thanks for visiting us.

Love, Satchel, Mama (Brooke), Temple and Papa (Matt)"

And on the same day, I was riding with Ike in the car and this is what he said to me from his carseat: "Busha. People shouldn't eat a lot of junk food because then they will get fat and sick and die and then they will go in the ground and somebody will put a rock on top of them. A rock with words."

Oh these boys make me smile!

Ups and Downs and All Around the Mulberry Bush

Easter week was filled with such duality. I had a few sleepovers with Ike, a trip to Brookfield Zoo, lunch in Polish Town, and Easter breakfast with my little family here in Chicago. The weather was sunny and cold, and now today there is a dark rain and it's windy. But Swapna just came and picked up the baby to go out to the suburbs to her mom's house and I have some time to blog and share what has been going on here. Project-wise, I finished a basket of knitted and needle felted balls for Fiona. these were lingering since her birthday. My goal was 10, but I finished 8 and a bluebird and just felt it was right to bring it to her yesterday. While I was in Vancouver, Brooke pulled out some very soft, Debbie Bliss wool and silk bulky yarn that she had purchased at my favorite yarn store in Ashland, OR, The Webster, when we drove through a couple of years ago on our way to Sufi Camp. At the time, all she carried was a dream of a little baby girl at some point. satchel was two years old. So she bought this beautiful yarn; we don't even remember what the planned project was...but this is what it is now A poncho for little Temple: Ike and I had quite a productive trip to Target last week. While I got Easter treats together to mail out to all the kids for Easter, Ike had a field day (and this was AFTER his bath!): Chicago Libraries have passes to all the museums and zoos that can be checked out for a week. So Isaac checked out the pass to the Brookfield Zoo and he and I took the kids last Thursday. The sun was shining, and for part of the afternoon we were even able to be without coats. Between diaper changes, bottles, and Ike handling the map, we didn't get far. But still, it was a great outing. On Saturday I was so nostalgic for my family of origin, that when I picked Ike up for another sleepover, he and I headed to the southside for a Polish lunch. Well, I was supposed to head north to "The Red Apple". But we did find a Polish neighborhood with a charming looking restaurant: Ike and I shared the "Polish Plate". The food was mediocreat best, although Ike loved the cheese blintz...and the service was maddening. I won't even go into detail. But we on the way home we did stop at my favorite neighborhood bakery, Alliance Bakery, and got Ike an Easter cookie to have after dinner. The cakes at this place are unbelievably creative and gorgeous. We went home and decorated the kitchen table for a "pre-easter party", lit the easter egg candles, and reheated some potato broccoli soup I made the night before and had it along with grilled cheese sandwiches. Let me tell ya, it was sure better than our lunch. it was late, so after dinner we snuggled in bed and watched an Easter movie. Yesterday morning Shannon was post-call and exhausted, so we got together for our Polish brunch and then I went home so she could nap. But breakfast was simply, wonderfully Polish! Our version of "Plotskis", polska kielbasa, and scrambled eggs. Oh yeah. And a gin fizz.