In other words, I found some moments to make me smile this week. Those I like to call "Lifeline Moments" when I'm carrying worrisome thoughts. Simple happiness...
I got to spend some time with Jahan's 2 year old cousin visiting from Oregon. Such a gabby, lovely little girl-child. So earnest as she pees her pants, time and again, climbs out of these hard-earned panties and goes about on her way.She is somethin' else.
While walking with Jahan on Thursday. I passed by this mailbox and garden, adjacent to one another. I read the name, looked at the garden display and really had to laugh. I thought, "No shit." (In a good way.) And then I was scared to death that some crotchety old witch of a woman was going to come out and yell at me as I took the photos. I just knew she was staring at me from behind pulled shades.
And then last night Vijay and Swapna were both on call at the hospital, so I had two cozy little bed partners. They won my heart: these sleeping spoons, yin and yang, little seed with sprout; I was so taken that I grabbed my camera at 3am (after I was awakened by the loud giddiness of the last folks leaving the bar down the street) and took these photographs.
I clung to the edge of that mattress like the edge of a lifeboat...being held on by sweet milky, musty breath, porcelain skin and lacy eyelashes. Utter peacefullness and it was all mine to carry through that night.
The morning came with warmth and sunshine, calling out for something special for breakfast. So we had cinnamon French Toast with strawberries...in baby style: Kinder style: Laughter and simple joy are always there if we look, like magic elixers. Tonight there is a marvelously midwestern thunder/lightening storm. Swapna went to "The Burbs", Vijay to a bachelor party, and I (and the dog) are listening to the novel Run by Ann Patchett downloaded from iTunes, and I'm knitting a cotton summer jumper for Temple. I had a huge spinach salad and a piece of reheated, leftover potroast, all rolled up into a flatbread for dinner...and I think I'm good now. You?
Yes to all my thoughts and feelings yesterday. Those thoughts were from my grateful self. But my fierce mama voice keeps calling for a second opinion.
I had nightmares all night last night, about mean men taking me on rugged, out of the way, steep paths to nowhere, with the promises of bringing me to the hidden dahlia garden in my backyard; a circle of mdahlias in the middle of a woods. And cunning young men trying to get me. I woke up with a sore lower back and neck, and puffy eyes.
Seventy-five degrees expected today. I'm up early for a Saturday...because of nightmares and to finish the laundry, clean my room, scrub my bathroom, sweep and vaccuum. Before the ecstasy, the laundry. I lit incense and did my meditation. And now I'm off to Morton's Arboretum to see what gifts Ostara left since I was last there. Thanks little Satch, for this idea within the storm.
The she-bear has awoken.
So the morning-after thoughts. Do I still respect "them" in the morning? I want to. I want to trust, especially after all I have watched Shannon do/say/consider/work towards/care about. But what do you do with the information, the facts that are lingering in your mind? My relationship is with her Family Practice doctor, OUR family doctor, I know this woman. Camille goes in with eye pain, and Dr. Reed is right on top of it; gets testing, thorough testing done immediately followed up by referrals to specialists. All within a week.
So what I first hear, " two adenomas on the pituitary gland - surgery or radiation with hormone replacement" I study and research in depth. I take the information seriously and ponder success rate, risks, options, alternatives. I talk to anyone and everyone about it with the hope of finding another point to research and consider. And everyone responds with their knowledge, ideas, love, words of encouragement, generosities. Now we are all holding Camille with two foreign things in her head. Trusting a perfect outcome.
And then she goes to the specialists and they say wait and watch. Wait. Watch. Wait. Wait. Wait. Ummmmmmm....OK? All better?
So I ruminate long into the night and with the morning sun. I meditate with my fingers wrapped around the healing stones hanging on a silver chain. What is the lesson here? What am I supposed to be doing or understanding? For me, personally? I am reminded of all the loving people who surround me. They reach out and I am touched. Secondly, I have the opportunity to walk my talk. To actually trust alternative medicine when I am looking at it personally. True friendship, committed family,love, faith, natural choices are all still there after the medical docs have gone away. These will provide our sanity, our healing. We are encouraged to get to the basis of the tumors: making Camille her healthiest self, able to wage this battle with a strong body and from her soul. With gentle treatment. Hard work. Holding friends. Deep cleansing. Spirit carrying us.
And then we'll see what they say in six months. And that is the best we can do right now. And the best is great.
A few days ago I was dancing around it. Remember? Well it was hard for me to talk about. I needed to get my barings. Last Friday morning Camille went to see our doctor to get the results of her recent MRI. And they found two ( 99% benign) tumors on her pituitary gland. Monday they did a lot of lab work, and today she meets with an endocrinologist and neurosurgeon. They will decide the best treatment for her: either surgery, radiation or both. Whatever the decision, the brain is scary territory.
What has been the greatest AND most difficult for her really, is the word "benign". Because she will live a long and happy life. But this word leads people to believe it's not serious. It is very serious, especially because she feels so horrible and her illness has effected her daily life in so many ways recently (in response to hormone imbalance and physical pressure inside her head.) What is really good about it all, is that she will feel so much better now that we know what the problem is and she can be treated.
And, as you all must surmise, we long to be together. Plans will be made as we get more clarity on the course of treatment. It's hard because my livlihood is here in Chicago now. While it is not life or death, it is "life-threatening" in the fact that it controls her everyday existence. She needs her mama.
Please hold her in your prayers today. Thanks...
Thank you all for your love and prayers. Camille is a strong, healthy girl. All of her hormone tests came back within normal range, so the two specialists suggested that we watch the tumors closely for the next 6 months, and in the meantime that Camille proceeds with the surgery to repair her deviated septum, and nasal polyps. As well, the neurologist thinks that her headaches may be migraines because the MRI doesn't show the tumors to be large enough to be putting pressure anywhere.
I just want my girl to feel better. So while I am so relieved with today's outcome, so relieved, I don't know which way to turn to get her feeling better. If anyone has any suggestions I'm open (and grateful!) This afternoon I visited the local bead shop and made Camille and I matching pendants for her healing. I researched the stones for pituitary health as well as inner strength. Mine's on my neck and hers is already in the mail.
Again thank you for the love sent our way. It means the world to me.
I got this in the mail from Brooke on Easter Eve: "Satchel's letter, verbatim, as dictated for Ostara and the Easter Bunny. We love you all. Happy Easter!
"Hi Ostara! Hi Easter Bunny! How are you doing?
Thank you, Ostara, for bringing out the birds and the grass and the flowers and for waking up the bears. Thank you for bringing me treats too!
This is my sister’s first Easter. She likes to irritate me. (No, Mom, scribble that part out.) She adores me a lot. I think I’m her favorite person. Please leave her a special treat. (Hey! She just took a bite out of this paper!!!! Hahahahaha!) I hope you have a great time here while we are sleeping. We made the daffodils fresh for you. And the colored eggs. I hope you like my pirate/monster egg. We love you Easter Bunny and Ostara!
Thanks for visiting us.
Love, Satchel, Mama (Brooke), Temple and Papa (Matt)"
And on the same day, I was riding with Ike in the car and this is what he said to me from his carseat: "Busha. People shouldn't eat a lot of junk food because then they will get fat and sick and die and then they will go in the ground and somebody will put a rock on top of them. A rock with words."
Oh these boys make me smile!