Busha Full Of Grace

New Year's Eve Eve

I had a wonderful Sunday. Zak and Heather called and asked me to come down to Oakland to see their new house, have brunch and see a movie. I was thrilled to go. In my Irish/Polish way of "never go empty handed", I excitedly began "shopping" though my home wondering what they might like. First I shopped in my knitting stash. I found some light brown ("Nutty")organic cotton yarn and some sweet varigated pink and brown ribbon with which Heather might want to make a baby blanket for the girls? And some books to share. I just finished (Finally) Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert, which I brought to them. Heather reads aloud to Zak. Also a couple of other favorite chick books I had on my shelf, Ahab's Wife and Deseret Sojourn. Three of my faves. I was looking for my #1, Rain of Gold by Victor Villesenor, but must have lent it out without recall. Zak wanted to read it again also, so I stopped at the local bookstore; their computer said they had one copy, but darned if we could find it on the shelf. And then I thought about the shrug that Heather is wearing in this photo I took yesterday:

The story goes, my mom wanted a handknit "shrug" like some old woman wore, whom she used to visit as a child with her mother. It was "elegant" to have such a garment. She explained it as a shawl with sleeves and cuffs. So I set out in search of a pattern. There were so many to choose from. But I knew mom wanted it mainly to wear at night to keep her cold shoulders warm. So I embarked on this pattern, in a beautiful hunter/turquoise green wool with tiniest purple threads in it. This project took me quite a long time and I was so tickled to give it to her when it was done. It was so soft and warm. Long story short, and probably no mystery ending here, she didn't really like it. It was too heavy, and didn't fit right and the one she loved was a soft pink. So she kept it for a couple of years and then a few months ago when Ikey broke the blinds on her front door, she ued it to partially, crookedly cover her window until she got a new blind. It hung there (beautifully, I thought) on the metal braces for a good month or so and then it disappeared. Finally a little while later it reappeared on her table when I arrived to visit and she said I may as well take it because it didn't fit her and was just going to waste. Sorry.

So...rather than letting it haunt me hurtfully from my closet shelf I took it to Heather to see if she might like to have it. If nothing else, I knew Heather would appreciate the work I put into it and admire it as such. I thought if Heather didn't want it, perhaps her little grandma would like it. But Heather seemed to really like it, wore it, and I think it looks beautiful on her. So...all is well. I no longer have a painful memory calling me from my closet shelf and Heather is delighted, cozy and gorgeous in this deep turquoise green shrug that looks as if it was made for her. And just maybe it was.

I arrived too late for brunch, so brunch turned into lunch, which we didn't have time for, so lunch turned into popcorn at the movies, Juno, which was very good, which later turned into dinner at Barney's.

I had a wonderful day. And this morning I sit in my knitting place and look at my favorite spot on the Christmas tree, because it comes down tomorrow. This particular little corner's sparkle really appealed to me.

New Year's Eve morning. I am going into school to do some office work and then I'm going to a potentially great party tonight. Yep. I AM going out to a PARTY this New Year's Eve. When you were married to a cop and then a musician, New Year's Eve was never an available celebration. So I've kind of kept it mostly quiet for many years. Why I want to go out specifically this year, and why the gods are making everything work out in my favor is to be told with time I guess. Let's wait and see. Something is brewing in the universe, I just know it.

Peace and harmony, and boundless love to us all in the coming year.

Showers of Love

Last night was our simple, intimate baby shower for Shannon, Isaac and Ike. There were about 20 people, many children and a very peaceful crowd. It was a friendly and quiet evening. A happy gathering. We decorated their birth altar with symbolism and wishes. Camille did a beautiful chalk drawing of Shannon and the baby.

And we all participated in the chalkboard filled with predictions and suggestions...

I know I'm a proud mama, but I think we all can agree that Shannon is radiant. Here she sits casually on the kitchen counter chatting and rosey in her pregnant splendor.

So what do you all think? Name, birthdate, weight?????

Shower Gifts Completed (phew)

It's been a mad couple of days of knitting, sewing and crocheting. I got to the last 2 inches of the last sleeve and ran out of yarn. No one locally had what I needed so I drove to San Rafael yesterday to get one more ball of Rown Big Wool in Color 01. Last night I ran into a myriad of senseless mistakes (like twisting the collar as I grafted it together) but finally got it blocked and ready to assemble today. It turned out quite nice. Just what Shannie asked for.

I also finished the cotton flannel wrapping blanket, modeled after the girl's favorite that I had made for Satchel in blue. This one is a very, very soft and thick white flannel, upon which I sewed a blanket stitch border in white and then a picot edge in a light, ballet pink. It took longer than I anticipated, but once again, I'm happy with the outcome.

Now I need to wrap my gifts and bake the corn bread for tonights dinner. Brooke is making a big pot of chili (served with sour cream, avacado, tomato and grated cheddar) and I am bringing the cornbread and the cake. As`far as the cake goes, I ordered a Princess Cake from our favorite Scandia Bakery.

And thank you all for the supportive words regarding my mom. I am amazed at the friendships that can be cultivated with words.

Mom

Many of you who have read me for the long-haul might be wondering what ever happened to the mother I wrote about often; the mother I was caring for as best I could, considering. Well...

Last spring when she was so ill in the hospital I asked her if she'd like me to telephone my estranged brother (her son), who basically couldn't take her rudeness anymore and left the family scene right after my dad died. Through her delerium she responded in a thick voice, "Oh, I wish you would." So I did. That phone call ended their 4 year feud. But it also ended my relationship with my mom. In my heart I knew this was possible, but I hoped against it.

You see, it has been clear since childhood that she favored...hugely...my brother. He was her dream come true and I was the child she carried around in her back pocket to pull out when he wasn't around. I was the daughter she fiercly resented because my dad loved me so much. She has been mean and critical and rude to all of us at one time or another her whole life.

In September she accused one of my children of trying to steal a watch that she said she hadn't given to them. I listened to both sides, kept my mouth shut and stayed out of it almost until the end of October. But I knew the truth. Everytime mom brought it up I wouldn't engage her. I found if I listened for awhile and nodded and then gently changed the subject, everything was ok. But when I finally spoke up for the truth, she hung up on me and wouldn't answer my calls for days. And that was that. That was two months ago. She has since made it very clear that I am the only one she has ignored throughout the family birthday and holiday season (even sending gifts and notes of love to the child whom she accused and I defended).

I am not angry. What am I? Resigned. Sad. Heartbroken. Emancipated. A motherless child. Free.

Finally, at Christmastime, I sent her a card telling her my life long feelings about my position in the family. Being very clear that I was opening a door of love, extending an invitation to talk and come to peace while we still can. Telling her that I am heartbroken and sad; that I truly want to be there with her during this time of her life. She is my mom, and regardless of it all, I owe her attentive care in her last years of life.

Now I wait. I wait to know if I am "good enough" in the eyes of the woman I call mother. This is nothing new to me. I pray for her, for all of us and I wait.

My Gift

I will post Christmas photos soon. But I want to tell you about this gift. It is a gift that I had for myself. I didn't plan on opening it today because I had plans to go to the movies with a friend. But when I struggled with asthma all night and then woke up feeling tired, I decided to open my gift. It was a day of knitting, ignoring any and everything else that surfaced.

I began to finish Shannon's baby's sweater (since her shower is Friday night). She picked this Rowan pattern (knitted out Rowan Big Wool) out months ago. I had gotten it up through the armholes and was progressing on the left front when I realized that even though the pattern called for size 17 needles which I had to purchase specially, they were making a big, sloppy sweater.

So...at 7:30 this morning I ripped the whole thing out and began again on 13's. Now I'm happy and here is a photo of my progress so far:

All I have left to do are the sleeves and to assemble it. I think, by golly, I might be done tonight.

Of Knots and Knights and Gnomes

Well, here it is Christmas Eve morning and I'm taking stock. Somehow I learned a new (new?) lesson this year. I learned that you do not start a business and plan to give your grandsons all homemade gifts in the same year. It all began with the best of intentions. First, the mittens with finger flap pattern that I found in Handknit Holidays.

There were a few challenges with the pattern. Like, while increasing for the thumb gusset, the pattern specified M1 (make 1) but wasn't specific which kind of increase to use, so I made a few mistakes with my assumptions and needed to do some ripping out. But I got it, and got the thumbs onto the waste yarn, and even got one of the flaps prepared and onto the stitch holder:

All in all, it's looking pretty good, huh? I loved this pattern, had the perfect, soft, handspun wool to use for each boy, AND Satchel struggled with his gloves on our carriage ride. I knew I was onto something. And it all started out so well. I worked the mittens tandem so that I would be assured I'd get them all completed together and on time:

But when your boys also go to your school and you are working 10-12 hour days, there's not much secret knitting time. Actually not much time at all. These poor little mittens were in and out of my bag and carried from bed to chair and car to car so much, things got ugly. Here is what they look like this morning:

Needless to say, no mittens from Grandma under this year's tree.

So, other than that fiasco, the theme for this Christmas was knights for Satchel and Gnomes for Ike. Once again, the best plans to make all gift s by hand didn't pan out. And truth be told, had they had a complete gnome outfit in the store I wouldn't have made anything. But this is how it went. For Satchel, a knights smock and hood, two wooden knights, a wooden dagger and a book Peter and the Wolf.

And for Ike, a gnome cape and hat that I made, a sack with crystals, two little gnome dolls and the book, Winter, Awake. And, a wooden dagger.

I also made each boy some new napkins (with an ethnic mama and baby theme) and a set of silverware for their school lunch baskets. I purchased the child-sized fork, spoon and spreading knife at Cost Plus and added beads to the handles with wire, then coated it with glue. Silverware fit for a knight...and a gnome.

Now I'm off to make lemon pies (my Myer lemon tree is dripping with fruit) for tonight and the traditional breakfast casserole for tomorrow morning. What do I REALLY want to do? Figure out those damned mittens. Thank God I have two weeks off.

Blessings to you all.

Giving Birth

There's so much we don't know as women about giving birth to the crone. There is intense labor involved there too. Moments where one might want to scream after they have been misunderstood. Moments of the laughter of amazement when I realize the things, or people, I once cared so passionately about. While eyesight fades, I'm beginning to see more clearly than ever before. I am realizing that only I can defend my true self. There is no one else that can really do that. I'm going though this each day now. I'm learning to trust my knowingness. Sometimes I feel out of balance and sometimes I feel right on. And this is something that I must do alone. No best friend, child or mate can take on any of the labor of birthing the crone. Just as a young mother must zone to her internal primal space, so must the crone.

I'm busy these days, sorting out my experience, labeling it, tossing what is just not necessary. I'm redefining my opinions and concerns. I'm laughing and crying for those things (and even people) that I found I lived my life for in the past. And also, I ache deeper. I find that what I thought was, or always told myself was true, is sometimes, just not. There is so much letting go of what I thought was, everywhere in my life, and making room for plenty of recreation. It is a powerfully spiritual place in which to be.

As I travel inward I find regrets too. I regret that I walked away from difficulty and shut the door all too often during my life. I regret those times that I hung on too long and wasted precious moments. Now it is different. It is with spirit guidance that I open and close doors. Time is more precious and each moment is the most important of my life. It is the breeze of spirit, the winds of change that blow those doors gently open and closed.

My work is now internal. It is huge and roaring. It is gentle and tender. It is the mother of all. The goddess midwifing me into wise woman. So girls, take note: It doesn't just happen. And it is another gift of womanhood to be able to recreate your life.

Jingle Bells

It's amazing that it has been a year since my last Christmas' post about my overnight with Satchel. That year Ike was in Mexico. This year, last night to be exact, I had both boys for some Christmas adventure. I made reservations in October to take them on a carriage ride to view decorated, lit up houses. It was cozy and comfortable, a thrilling moment when we heard the jingle bells of the harnesses approaching. The ride itself was an hour long, which I found to be a bit too long for 4 year olds. But they had fun with Jack, the driver. (Mostly talking about horse poop and where it went and who had to clean it up.)

We had blankets and I brought a hot water bottle for each boy. Today we have the beginnings of rain, so we were very lucky with a calm, clear, and VERY cold night for a ride.

Luckily we went out for dinner beforehand, because since the first ride wasn't until 6:30, the boys were sound asleep before I had gone a mile toward home. When we got home Camille had their special bed made on the living room floor next to the Christmas tree. She helped me get them into jammies and neither of them woke up completely. Both squinted their eyes open a bit, grinned slightly and went right back to sleep.

This morning began early, of course, because whomever opened their eyes first saw his cousin and that was it. I stumbled out when I heard them and Satchel said to me, "Look Busha, morning is coming up." And Ike said, "Busha, my tummy is asking you it's hungry."

So, what else, but Busha's best pancakes ever, and a lot of morning play. They played Ted and Cy, the horses from last night, they played sword fight and they played Rudolf and Santa. Luckily they wanted me to be Jack. So I got to say, "Walk!" again and again when it got too rowdy and I only sounded like Jack and not a cranky grandma.

The life of a Grandmother is pretty amazing. Pretty fun. Happy holidays.

Advent

We have been celebrating Advent at Ruby Morning. each morning we light a candle on our Advent wreath and say a verse. This week we are celebrating the plant kingdom (last week was mineral). When the children arrived this morning there was a 4 foot Christmas tree, undecorated with a woven star on the top. Together we made ornaments, and will work together to decorate the tree as the season progresses.

Outdoors we have been harvesting pumpkin seeds and tending the chickens each and every day. The children love our time spent outside. These hens are so very loved! In return, they provide us with yummy and fresh eggs for our snack.

Last week we put our shoes out for saint Nicholas...who arrived while we were eating snack and filled each shoe with a tangerine, a chocolate coin and a walnut. Amazing how he did ALL that while we were right in the next room sharing snack.

At the end of the extended day program, it is getting dark and I try to make it as cozy as possible for the children who must stay late. Last week we made little playdough snowman families with the acorn caps we found in the yard.

She Knows How

Camille is struggling emotionally and I am so impressed by the way she has been naturally knowing what she needs. With most of her friends off at school, her job and her sadness, she knows. Last night she came home from work and wondered for just the shortest moment what she was going to do with herself, alone on a Friday night. And then she said, "I know. I'm going to paint." I fell asleep at 7:00, and when I awoke this morning there was a sweet painting of Camille and Daniel walking together. I have so much confidence in her emotional health...and the way she knew what she needed to help her healing process along.

(12/16/07...finished painting)