Busha Full Of Grace

Deck the Halls

Camille has taken on the holidays with an energy I've rarely seen from her. Last night she and Ike hung lights around the porch

Today I came home from work and there were more lights in the dining room, and then she and Sarah and Sophia drove up with our tree tied to the top of Sophia's car! How delighted I am to feel someone take the baton from me...even if it's only for one year. I got to sit right here, and knit and chat with the girls while they worked like a team of horses hanging, balancing, climbing, preparing.

At school, I told the story of Saint Nicholas, and the children and I brought loaves of warm, cripsy crusted, whole wheat bread, fresh out of the oven, to two old neighbors. It was a cold day and we "crunched" in the leaves to know that we were walking a safe distance off the road. The folks were so grateful. The children so proud.

Tis the season.

Sorry

So sorry if the expression, "Holy Shit!" offended anyone. But that is exactly what the doc said when he was born. It was worthy of a cuss word. And another thing I think you may be wondering is, "What has he grown into?"

Sorry these are fuzzy, but I had to get them off of facebook.

These were all recently sent from Mexico. And then there was his 23rd birthday (costume) party thrown for him by his friends there. Alex went as Burt Reynolds. Oh. My. Gawd.

14 pounds 2 ounces

Alexander William Volz was born November 28, 1984. To me. All 14 pounds 2 ounces of him. From this body. I know, holy shit. Happy Birthday Alexander Volz. You are amazing, with a heart as big as your self.

This due date came and went by 8 days......

Good Polish farm stock.

Our Thanksgiving Weekend

(Click to enlarge any photo for a better view)

Each member of our family added their gratitudes to Brooke's blackboard wall. So many gratitudes...from virtues to people. This wall has spoken at each family gathering. It honors the moment of our being together.

And Matt, yes MATT, wrote his very own Rumi quote:

And then the (pregnant) hostess with the mostest. My fancy girl:

The ambience spoke volumes. It was a small, simple and warm gathering:

The food was incredible. Along with the usual, Shannon brought a creamed spinach casserole and I made Parker House rolls from scratch. mandy brought a Sweet Potato Pie (gluten free) and all of our faire was organic and grain fed. As always, Matt served only the best wines and DXH (does that work for darling ex husband?) carved the bird and the ham.

Shannon leaves on Thursday for several residency interviews. She will be gone for 10 days (her midwife isn't thrilled) and has three interviews, one in Chicago, one in kentucky and one in Toledo. So on the day after Thanksgiving we all went with them up to the top of Moon Mountain to get their Christmas tree. What a breathtaking place it is up there (and amazingly less than a mile from my house, as the crow flies). The sun shown brightly, but the wind was hard and cold. Ikey wore the hat with the red bells and stars that I made for him:

And here is their beautiful family, Isaac, Shannon and Ike:

When I spotted this tall tree amidst much shorter ones I commented to Camille on how it spiraled. Her reply was, "Yeah. That's the Fibonacci Theory. Most things in nature do spiral."

Whoa. Thank you Waldorf education.

Counting Blessings

The holiday season is upon us and it is usually my favorite time of year. I'm needing to try a little harder this year. There is sadness in my heart and in my home. We miss one blessing called Daniel. The family is gathering at Brooke and Matt's house this afternoon. Yesterday I made the dreaded trip to Costco for drinks. I found a blessing there. A 25 foot garland of cedar boughs for my dining room entrance. The splendid fragrance. Sometimes blessings surprise us in the strangest places.

And then when I got home, the certain to fill me with joy in any minute blessing, my grandsons. They laughed and played through my house. The candles lit, the Windham Hills Thanksgiving music, the fragrant red cedar boughs already blessing the room with their delight as they waited to be hung. I made a potato/pumpkin/brocolli soup and the boys and I made buttermilk biscuits and cut them into leaf shapes:

The boys loved the meal and gobbled (no pun intended) it up...another blessing!

And then just now, Satchel found THIS blessing in the hen house. Those rascals have been only giving us one or two piddly eggs a day lately, and today he found nine:

And now he wants some for lunch. Happy Thanksgiving to all of you.

Finding Balance

We return from the memorial at Dillon Beach. I watch Camille sleep, exhausted on the sofa, still in her funeral clothes, curled up like a baby. I want to wake her and suggest to her that she go to bed where she will be more comfortable. I want to remove her shoes. I want to put her pillow under her head. But at the last minute, I don't. I don't want to rob her of this peaceful rest, where the pain of missing her friend is at bay. It is the first time she has been alone without her peers since she got word of Daniel's illness. There's only me here with her and I, or my words, are not what she needs right now. So I go to the Tao of Parenting and I find this poem. I sit on the love seat adjacent to where she's sleeping and I keep quiet vigil. I shine golden mama light on her and try to keep the bogey man away. She needs rest.

Finding Balance by William Martin

"There are so many paradoxes in parenting
that it is difficult to find balance.
Some don't even try
They just plunge ahead
ignoring the subtle whispers of wisdom.
Others try half-heartedly,
but resort to old methods
when they get confused.
But some hear wisdom's quiet voice
and make it their own.

They find strrength in softness,
power in flexibility,
perfection in mistakes,
success in failure,
clarity in confusion,
and love in letting go.

Parenting paradoxes abound.
Don't let appearances deceive you.
Things may not be at all as they seem.
What's going on with your children right now?
Are you sure?
Or are you just making assumptions?
Buried in the most difficult of times
are polished gems.
Lurking beneath serene surfaces
lie turbulant waters.
Stay Balanced."

I close the book and close my eyes. I love her so much.

God Bless His Journey

Daniel passed last night at 11:05 PM, while we celebrated his life.

Thank you all for your sweet caring.

I Look At Life Life From Both Sides Now

Last night at 7, I went to have dinner at Shannon's with my 2 pregnant daughters, to meet their collective midwife. It was a cold, cold autumn night, with soft light, Chili Colorado, and four strong women conversing and laughing heartily. Of bellies being manipulated and dopplers thumping. Of little boys delivering watercolor lovenotes to their mamas every few minutes. Of quiet love.

And then Camille called and told me her close circle of girlfriends and their mamas were meeting at Sarah's house for a Daniel blessing circle. We hadn't heard anything yet, as we sat in a candlelit circle in a warm living room sharing tales about this full of life man/boy. The girls shared photos, all framed amidst flowers. Not sweet funerally flowers, but vibrant reds and golds, with an ethnic flair of passion and the tango and chacha. And played Daniel's music. "Remember the time he and his brother, Gabe, were standing on their beds singing the theme to "Hercules" into hairbrushes?" Oh the things these girls shared through healing laughter. Always post-scripted with "Sorry Mom". The parties, the silliness, the boy who was truly one of the girls.

Women are amazing. My friends. My daughters. All doing the dance of life, feeling it to the fullest, deepest, rawest fibers of our beings. And so, we become strong together, and carry life forward. When she first saw him, full of the tubes of feigned physical existence, Camille asked me, "Mom, what do I do if he dies?" And I told her, "Camille, you will feel as if you cannot put one foot in front of the other. But you will. And the days will pass and you will be so sad you cannot think of another thing. But the memories will soften into sweet and gentle tugs at your heart and you will know there will be that day when you will see him again. But you know that he will be around in spirit to carry you along in life when you need it." That is the most difficult thing to say to your child: how to deal when mortality is looking you in the face and you have no hope.

Please light a candle for Daniel, wherever he is in this moment.

Daniel is Dying

And it's not fair. Daniel is a young man, 21 years old, a good friend of Camille's. Daniel is the chef who cooked for the Ledson Hotel when I met him and is now employed at Sonoma Mission Inn. Last winter, Daniel frequently cooked gourmet meals in my kitchen, raved about my new cookware

and salsa danced like a master. Daniel is from Venezuela and moved here as a young boy. Daniel knows how to do parents. He shakes your hand and looks into your eyes steady on. Daniel is a lady's man who went through our young gaggle of girls like dominoes. He left them all with their chins hanging down, trading one for the next, and I was really pissed at him. Then he moved away for 8 months. He recently returned and tried to do his best to make peace with the girls, became forthright and earnest in the endeavor.

In September he came over and cooked her breakfast. A couple weeks later they watched a movie together at his house. Mid movie he asked her to go outside with him so he could smoke a cigarette. She told him he was dumb and that he was going to get cancer and die young. Daniel said, "You're dumb." In early October, he rode his bike downtown to Camille's work to ask her to hang out with him that night while he got a tattoo. She said she was surprised to see him and acted a bit standoffish. He was back in town to stay. He was sincere. And she was taken aback. She told him maybe and he said he'd call her that night. When he didn't call, Camille thought he was busy, or just Daniel being Daniel. That was the last time she saw him. On October 19 he called her and asked her if she was angry with him. It was a message, and she called him back and left a message that said she wasn't. He told his mom that night that he was really troubled thinking Camille was mad at him and that he really loved her. She was his best friend.

The next day his brother found him on the bathroom floor having seizures. He was diagnosed with Germ Cell Cancer and basically hasn’t regained consciousness. He has a 10cm. tumor in his chest by his heart. Camille and Sarah just found out about this a few days ago. They’ve gone to see him up in Sacramento for the past 3 days. His mom called this morning and asked them not to come because it was going to be only his family, as they think it is his last day. All of his systems are shutting down…

How in the world does this happen in less than a month? Today was too beautiful a day for a young kid, full of piss and vinegar, to die. God take you gently, Daniel Velasco. Life will be quieter without your exuberance.

The Honor of Being Brooke's Mother

Brooke is 37 today. She amazes me. She brings me pure joy. She has taught me grace as she graces the world. Happy Birthday Brookie Tookie Two Shoes. I love you too.