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Here is the recent photo of the items our school has completed for the Dulaan Project. To date, we have 46 items toward our goal of 500! We'll do it! There are two whole classes of children (4th and 5th grades) currently working together for the project, as well as many families working on projects at home. As a kindergarten, we will work on fleece blankets. I am moved by the willingness and enthusiasm. I'm lucky to be a part of such a community.
It's been a rough week. Mom is home since Thursday, and livid about needing 24 hour supervision. She's being incredibly resistive, thus validating her inability to make sound choices. Brooke is worn out. I hardly know Camille these days as she is having difficulty with her schoolwork, because I'm never home. These past 2 weeks, between the conference, mom and late school responsibilities, I left every morning before 7 and 9 at night was the earliest I ever got home. Camille didn't even make plans for last night, Friday night, because she thought she could spend a few hours with me; but I couldn't stay awake. I was in bed before 8, I think. Shannon, Isaac and the baby came over; I heard them vaguely through my closed bedroom door, but I couldn't pull myself back out of bed. I've got Alex and his buddy living here until they can find a place of their own. Two more mouths to feed and money's tight, so I laid off the housekeeper and dog food delivery. It's 6:50 am and I'm trying to get a load of laundry done so I can be at Mom's to relieve the nighttime care provider by 8. I don't even know what is best. I'm just trying to do my part....after all, she's MY mom.
Sorry for the woe-is-me. I just need to speak it. I know myself. Once I am dressed and out in the day, breathing the fresh air, I will be better. But for right now, this messy house sucks and my head hurts because I don't know the rhythm of this new life phase I am entering. I can see the silver gray sky through the windows in front of me, lighting up as the sun rises; I'm praying for guidance to make good choices today. I think I'll take mom out for a drive and bring her over here to spend time with me while I get my home in order. After all, she'll probably enjoy the silver gray sky too.
And on a different note, George Bush said one thing in his speech last night that was music to my ears. He said something with which I am in total agreement. He said:
"Madame Speaker..."
Three cheers!
Mom comes home Thursday afternoon. We were under the impression we had a bit more time to make plans. I had a long talk with the discharge planner and basically Mom needs 24 hour supervision. So what will that look like within our family? We're trying to work it out. But for these next few days she will have in home care to the tune of $22.00 an hour. Do your math? This money will begin to be shaved from my parents life savings. At this amount she will be broke within a couple of years. I cannot let this happen to her, so I will most likely begin to spend nights with her. Camille has 4 more months of high school and wants me home.
Mom is sad. My children are frustrated. I am worried. And my brother leaves today on a family cruise, all 8 of them; dismissing it all with an email and a promised call that never came.
Get the picture?
I attended a weekend conference at the Rudolf Steiner College this weekend. Many interesting topics discussed, primarily addressing bringing Waldorf education into the public school system. It was wonderful to gather for break-out sessions with an experienced group of colleagues; to share inspiration and experience. To really see these photos you might want to click on them to enlarge. The conference itself was held in Stegmann Hall:
Getting from the dorms to the school is a walk on a winding path through the gardens and fields:
I stayed in the school dorms, which was, as always, an incredibly peaceful experience.
There are "pods" of eight rooms with a shared kitchen, small living room and two bathrooms. The rooms are sparse and very tidy, with a twin bed, fresh linen, a desk and a chair. But the grounds are amazing! Here was the view from my desk window:
And the sunrise I could see from the small window above my bed this morning:
Surrounded by the biodynamic farm, anthroposophical architecture, and fresh winter weather, it was easy to find an inner sense of calm. I was surrounded in natural glory of the simplest kind. They fed us organic and plentiful. We sang. We studied. We shared. I am full up from this weekend.
The garden in winter:
Early evening yesterday...The sheep in the meadow:
And the cow in the field with the chickens:
What a milk cow!
Snow drops and narcisus were popping up all around:
And one thing I really appreciate about most all Waldorf gatherings, I can knit and knit and knit throughout every meeting! Many compliments on my pocket scarf (which I was wearing). I also started a new pair of socks in Austermann Step yarn (with jojoba and aloe). It feels great on the hands.
Last night, I decided to forego the final lecture and go back to my room to do some work. I guess I fell asleep pretty soundly, because this morning my boss told me she was throwing rocks at my window to try to get me to come and join her for some knitting! Crazy old broads!
This is Zak's hat, I started with a 1x1 one inch rib, and then k5 p 1, pattern. It is 100% cashmere and as soft as can be.
Now I absolutely have to finish Camille's Fetching Wrist Warmers. I have terminal second sock syndrome.
,
Remember the old song, damn, who was the artist? I was thinking Leonard Cohen, but it was Jackson Browne. My guy. I love this song. "These days I seem to sit a lot and think about the things that I forgot to do..."
And that is how it is for me. Sitting at my mom's bedside and witnessing her fading life force. My mom has been that to me: a lifetime of lessons of how I will do it differently. But there is one thing that continues, even now, as the greatest grace my mother showed toward me. That is the feeling and knowing that she truly has compassion for the challenges of my life. When it is just her and me, she understands. She is the one who has seen my journey from adult eyes and respects me for my strength. If I am tired, or hurt by someone, or worried, I feel safe when I am sitting with my mom. Something that is still there, down so very deep, is the sense that she can make it better. It's hard to explain. It's clearly not of this physical world with which she is loosing her grip. Let's tell the whole truth here: she can be a real bitch. It's in the heart realm, from the spirit; the essence of the universal mother living at her core, in her womb, where I find my peace in her presence.
Yeah. My mom is a very difficult person, and I am gratefully blessed by a grace that is allowing me to love her deeply now. To remember the good. To make peace so that when the time comes she can leave this plane completely and move on. My son-in-law, Matt, who rarely goes deep into spiritual conversation, helped me to see this. The man of wicked humor and off the cuff comments, made this suggestion to me one night. From his words, I see that mom needs to find peace as she walks off the battlefield she knows as her life. She needs to make peace to let go. And if I can be this vessel to another human being, then give me that strength.
I had both boys last night, overnight! It went remarkably well. It was Ike's first night to ever sleep away from his mama and papa. My bed wasn't even as crowded as I thought it would be. But by late morning, they needed to get their willies out. Alex, his friend who has been staying with us, Jesse James Bond, Satchel, Ike, Remy, Harry and I all went for a walk at the Regional Park. It was so, so cold. We found frozen creeks, with ice an inch thick. We ate peanut butter and jam sandwiches and apples, and the dogs ran. On the way home, I had two sleepy boys in the car. Everyone's napping now. It was a refreshing Sunday after so much time spent in the hospital lately.
The ice on the creek was an inch thick:
Experiments:
Imitation:
Dreamy:
The willies, chilly willies, were officially out:
A week ago Thursday, I talked to mom and she had just returned from getting her antibiotic at the pharmacy for a UTI. She was settled in and glad to begin the course of meds. Later, she called me to say she couldn't open the pill bottle. Son Zak went over to help her open it. Friday morning as I planned on going into my classroom to work all day, call from son Zak at 7am, saying he was very sick with a flu and would I take him to the doctors. So I spent the day being mama instead of teacher. But that left me to wake up Saturday morning needing to spend the day in my classroom. Saturday night I was pooped, just crashed into bed. Sunday morning I got a call from daughter, Shannon, suggesting we all get together at mom's and cook dinner: chicken alfredo, salad, garlic bread, apple crisp. OK. Sounds like a nice way to get together, and Mom won't have to go out. One time, two times, three times, four...Shannon doesn't get an answer from Nanny by telephone. Finally, 5:00, someone needs to go check on her. Shannon and Isaac and the baby go by. No answer? The lights are out, with the exception of her bedroom. Do they hear moaning? Check with the upstairs neighbor, she thought she heard a crash early am. Shannon peeks through the edge of the blinds and sees mom lying on the floor in front of the door. So they break in and find mom semi-conscious. Ambulance. Emergency room. Tests. Tests. Tests. No stroke. No heart attack. Diabetes in check. But in pain and very, very disoriented. Talking to her estranged son, deceased mother and sister. Doesn't know who's who. She could have fallen Sunday morning, but the sickening thought is she could have fallen any time between Thursday at 10 pm and Sunday at 5 pm. So she stayed in the hospital, and will be there for about 4 weeks to heal a pressure wound on her back side. Poor mom. We are heart sick for her. She's coming around more each day, but she is still too weak to walk. During last night's visit she told me she is determined to walk more so she can go home sooner.
Home will be different when she is discharged; but the family is still making those decisions. Right now we are just loving her up and feeling guilty. We are all saying, "I should have gone by on Saturday." Now we know that her level of care has changed. We just wish she hadn't fallen and been on the floor for who knows how long. She can't remember falling. Actually, that's probably good. This event also brought reconciliation between her and my brother, after a three year beef. That's probably good too, wouldn’t you say?
Finally made it to the finish line!
Satchel's sweater:
And on Satchel:
Ikey's hot water bottle cover, knit in Peace Fleece:
And after his warm bath, his warm "cozy cozy" to take to bed with him:
